Women Who Rise

There’s a big difference between living in faith and living in force. For most of my life, I lived in force. I didn’t call it that at the time, I called it ambition. If I had a desire, if something mattered, and if I wanted something: I made it happen. I planned it. I chased it. I strategized my way there. I set the goal. I found the path and I worked hard to get the outcomes I wanted.

That way of doing things worked for me for a very long time. I climbed. I won awards. I made money and earned lots of trips. I would reached the top of one mountain, see a new mountain on the horizon, and I was ready to climb. I was good at the climb. I kept levelling up, kept moving forward. Next challenge. I got this (insert muscle emoji here).

It was at the top of one of those mountains that I had an existential crisis. I had done all this work, busted my butt, long hours, late nights, exhaustion, sacrifice, commitment, time away from my family, and finally- success! I had hit another milestone. I won the trip of a lifetime and I was about to leave for my ten day beach vacation when my passport mysteriously vanished the day before and I found myself unable to go. I was devastated! I was going to miss the little huts out on the water, and the jet skis, and the fancy dinners, and I had told people I would be there, what would they think?

But here’s the thing, nobody really cared or noticed I wasn’t there, except me. Nobody called and said “where were you? We missed you. You deserved this.” There was no consolation prize. Nothing. Today you’re at the top of the list and everyone wants to know you and tomorrow there’s a new name there and they forget all about you. It was unsettling. As I processed through that realization, slowly, a question crept into brain…

Did any of it even matter?

I started to think about the value I had placed on winning. I mean what was I going to do, make a shrine to myself with all the trophies? The more money I made, the more bills I took on, the more team I added, the more stress I had, and the more things I had to manage. And what difference was it really making? Every January the slate gets wiped clean and everything I did last year is old news and now we need you to do more, with less, quicker this time and while balancing a hundred other things that you also need to do more of. I began to feel like my life had been stuck in a loop:

Grind.Win. Start over. Grind again.

And although that would make a great t-shirt slogan, it wasn’t making a great life.

One morning, during that season, I woke feeling a little melancholy. I was on Facebook the night before looking at the people who were on that trip, feeling mad, sad, and bad for myself that I had missed it and I was looking for something to take my mind off of things. I grabbed my bible to read a little and it opened right to Ecclesiastics.

“And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind…”

“There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. ‘For whom am I toiling,’ he asked, ‘and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?’ This too is meaningless! A miserable business.”

Talk about a wake up call. I remember sitting there stunned. It felt like Solomon had just read my journal! Here I was feeling all depressed about my trip I missed and all my hard work going down the drain and now getting a reality check from the wisest man that ever lived. That Solomon is a pretty smart guy. I consumed the rest of the book of Ecclesiastes that morning.

This is what I love about the Bible- the Truth, the Living Word. God was speaking right to me in that moment through the scripture and it was exactly what I needed. I felt something releasing in me as I read. The tension of so many years of toiling unraveling into a useless pile of nothing. To some that might have felt like crap but to me, it felt like Freedom! My whole adult life I believed that more money, another trip, more success, and being number one was going to make me happy. I spent years of tension, striving and believing that if I just climbed high enough, achieved enough, earned enough, then I would finally feel satisfied and that people would notice me and tell me I was valuable.

But Solomon had already climbed that mountain and his conclusion.

MEANINGLESS

Not because work or success is bad, but because they were never meant to carry the weight of our IDENTITY.

I had always wanted to be the very best at what I did, which isn’t a problem in itself, but my reason for it was. I had come to believe that my worth was tied to what I could do for people, what I could produce, and the results I put on the board. Somewhere along the way, receiving the validation of achievements became my purpose. And Solomon said that what my purpose had become was meaningless. Sitting there alone, after a divorce (another loss), not able to take this trip and hang with the other winners, felt like I had failed and if I failed, then maybe I was a failure…

It was in that quiet moment, sitting in my living room, reading Ecclesiastes, with the sun rising in the bay window behind me. God began untying my identity from my performance. He told me that my job, success, my awards, and even my marriage, did not determine my value. He did.

Although it wasn’t some dramatic lightning-bolt moment, a small seed was planted. And a tiny sprout began to break through the soil. I sat in the quiet with my journal and let it sink into my heart, rooting.

God was showing me that the whole foundation I had built my life on was never meant to define me. What mattered was something far simpler.

LIVING. LOVING GOD. LOVING PEOPLE.

Ecclesiastes later says that life basically means nothing if we don’t truly live, love God and love others. Prioritizing relationships, faith, and God at the center. “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands cannot easily be broken.”

That morning I made the quiet decision that I wasn’t going to live my life for the applause anymore. I was going to redefine my purpose and live my life for God and for relationships with people in my world. That I was going to be present in my life, present with my kids and friends, present with God, and take time off. I actually took a sabbatical!(More on that later).

Of course I still work hard. That part of me didn’t disappear and I still want to be a good steward of what God has given me. But my perspective has shifted. I am no longer measuring my success by the accolades. I decided that I would count my day a success if I talked to one person about Jesus. If I spent time with God. If I connected with people and prayed for them. If I work on developing my team and take care of myself. I live more, laugh more, and am more present. I take more time to be in nature and to read, write, and pray for people. My priority shifted from projects to presence.

From force to faith.

Force is striving, pushing, controlling outcomes, and chasing validation.

Faith is trusting God with the outcome and being present and obedient in the moment you are in.

And the wild thing?

Nothing fell apart! My business didn’t collapse. My life didn’t stall. We are still on track, still growing, and still moving forward. God has provided opportunity in different ways now that I am present in my days for his purposes.

Now of course, I’m not perfect at it all the time. I still like to win sometimes! But this isn’t a space for perfect women. This is a space for progress and women who are rising. I am rising now for a new purpose each day and it’s not to prove myself to anyone. It’s to Love God and Love others. Now THAT is a better reason to rise than any award ever was.

Take a moment today and sit with the question:

Are you living in faith…or are you living in force?

Keep rising.

-Ashley