Women Who Rise

Who were you before the world told you who you could be?

When I was on my sabbatical, this was a question the Holy Spirit put on my heart that I wrestled with and still wrestle with today. I spent a lot of time sitting quietly with my eyes closed, trying to picture the little girl I once was. I thought about my earliest memories and the things that brought me joy before life got complicated.

I remember being at my grandma’s house, running in circles around her dining room table, singing nursery songs at the top of my lungs. I remember having giggle parties with my best friend where we would just make ourselves laugh until we couldn’t stop laughing. I remember climbing to the top of this huge tree in my backyard and looking out over the community, thinking that this must be God’s perspective of us and how peaceful it all looked from up there. I was a fun and life filled little girl.

I loved the Lord so much when I was little. As young as I can remember, church was a big part of my childhood. I was in all the Christmas plays and musicals, and I LOVED to worship and sing to Jesus. I was obsessed with memorizing my Bible. I memorized the Lord’s Prayer and Psalm 23, “The Lord is my shepherd,” before I was even four years old. My dad was the Devil in Heaven’s Gates and Hell’s Flames, and I memorized every line in that play.

And Jesus was like my imaginary friend. I could see Him and hear Him, and He was with me all the time. Except He wasn’t really imaginary. I would be playing in my room just talking away, and my mom would come in and say, “Who are you talking to?” And I would say, “Jesus!” And on she would go.

When I was five or six years old, I wanted to be a pastor. I loved Jesus and I loved telling people about Him. I believed everyone should know how much He loved them. I told the pastor I wanted to do that, and he said, “What are you waiting for?” He even let me preach a message.

If I could describe myself as a child, I think I’d say trusting, people loving, loud, singing constantly, talking nonstop, loving to learn, and loving Jesus. Living each day without worrying about tomorrow. I wasn’t perfect, of course. I know I got a few spankings for lying and coloring on the TV. But for the first several years of my life, I was just a kid.

I wish I could remember the exact moment when that child disappeared… I tried to think about the first time I thought the bad thoughts. It might have been when my parents separated and life got real. I became more aware of things that were hiding below the surface, and life suddenly changed. My dad was a huge part of my faith walk, and when he left, I began to feel things I had never felt before like loneliness, abandonment, anxiety. I started searching for attention and affection, trying to replace the father figure I felt like I had lost for a little while. At that point, I still believed people were good but that my parents just couldn’t work it out.

But then there were moments in my childhood when older boys or babysitters crossed boundaries that should never be crossed with a child. And in those moments, something shifted inside me. I stopped trusting people. I started to feel scared, guilt, and anxiety. And that’s when shame entered my story.

Shame and guilt are some of the enemy’s most powerful tools to keep you separated from God. They tell you that something that happened to you, or something you’ve done, makes you unworthy of love. Shame made me quieter when I used to be loud and proud. More anxious when I used to be carefree. More guarded when I used to trust easily. Shame told me I was bad. As I grew older, I sometimes found myself making choices I didn’t like or understand. I would ask myself why I did the things I hated.

But shame has a cruel strategy. It convinces us that because we’re broken, we are no longer worthy of the love we were searching for in the first place. You start to believe you are no good. That other people are bad too. That you can’t trust anyone. And then you start believing that maybe God must see you the same way.

And the tragedy is that shame separates us from the very place where our deepest needs could actually be met… with God.

For years, there were also other voices too. People who criticized, shamed, or made me feel like I was bad too. People who said I had everyone fooled into thinking I loved Jesus, but they knew “the real me.” That I was too much. Too loud. Too energetic. Too passionate. An attention seeker. A liar. Not worthy. And eventually, I started believing those voices too…

And as I am writing this, a song just popped into my head…

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind, but now I see…”

Now this isn’t an overnight redemption story. Looking back now, after years of prayer, therapy, scripture reading, and listening to what God had to say to me, I now understand what I was doing. I was just trying to survive. Trying to find love wherever I could get it. Trying to fill unmet needs in whatever way I knew how. I wanted to be accepted and feel worthy, even if it meant abandoning myself or what I knew to be right. Not an excuse but just the way our brains work after trauma.

I needed Jesus. I needed love. When I finally accepted Gods forgiveness, mercy, grace, and LOVE. When I finally let go of the people in my life who made me feel unworthy… And when I prayed that the Lord would silence the inner critic that kept replaying my past mistakes…

The noise stopped.

And when the noise stopped, I could hear and feel God again. His love became tangible and real to me. He saved me from myself and gave me new life. He rebuilt me from the inside out over time. And one day, the Holy Spirit spoke something to my heart that challenged and excited me.

“Return to me with your childlike faith.”

This led me to where this story began of me thinking about who I was before the world told me who I was. So I considered it… then I leaned into it… And now I can feel Him slowly restoring me to the child I once was. That childlike faith. The child of God I am. He is slowly returning me to the person I am meant to be. As I was studying the word I came across verse 3 in Matthew 18 when Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Children don’t overthink who they are. They want what they want and will climb the kitchen cabinets without fear to get it. They trust easily. They love freely. And they believe what God says without overthinking it. They laugh and sing and just want to be loved and taken care of. That’s the kind of faith we were created to have.

Kids come to Jesus exactly the way they are and he loves that about them. In Jeremiah 1:5 he says “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” And he created you the way you are for a reason.

That realisation began to heal something deep inside me. I started to feel myself returning to the little girl I was and I started loving that little girl again. I began to allow myself to be who God created me to be, and something beautiful is happening. He is restoring that childlike part of my heart. I find myself singing songs again like “This Little Light of Mine” and “I’ve Got the Joy Down in My Heart” when I get ready in the morning and giggling at myself.

I was born into this world as a fiercely loving child of God who knew Him, loved Him, and wanted everyone else to experience that love too. The enemy saw that light. And he tried to dim it. And for a while, he succeeded. But not anymore. I will not allow guilt, shame, other people’s opinions, past hurts, or my failures to silence what God placed inside of me. Like the song says:

“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.”

Recently, during a Christian women’s retreat weekend, I felt God whisper something to me that made me laugh and cry at the same time. He told me he is going to restore my childhood dream and I am going to be a pastor after all! (Zero details at the moment- thats God for ya). And He gave me a nickname through a sister in faith.

“Bubbles.”

I think it’s because the joy inside of me is finally bubbling over! The little girl I thought I had lost… was never gone. She was just buried under shame, fear, and the opinions of people who didn’t understand who God created me to be. But God knew. And maybe the same is true for you. Maybe the woman you’re trying to become isn’t someone new at all. Maybe she’s the girl you were before the world told you who you should be. Before the shame. Before the criticism. Before the fear. 

Maybe God isn’t asking you to become someone different. Maybe He’s simply inviting you back to yourself. Back to the one He created from the very beginning. The one who believed with her whole heart. The one who trusted. The one who loved freely. The one who let her light SHINE. The one who still can.

-Ashley